By Linda W. Arms, Jan. 9, 2019
We see the new year as a time for new beginnings. It is often a time that we think about our lives, the year ahead and make resolutions to improve. Many of us with a brain injury have another annual “new beginning” that causes us to contemplate our lives. That time of year is different for each of us, and it is the date of the event that caused our brain injury. It is a date that brings many of us sadness and grief for the person we used to be and the life we used to have, but it’s also a date to acknowledge the progress we have made in getting better and other things in our lives that are positive.
The 13-year anniversary of my brain injury is just around the corner. In the earlier years after “The Accident”, January 15 was filled with sadness, grief, despair, loss, and other negative feelings. I would look back at another year of my life that I had lost because I was not able to be the person I was before nor do the things I enjoyed doing before.
The door on who I was closed on January 15, 2006. Although a lot of “me” came back, I’m also different. That difference has brought several positive traits that I am grateful for. I’m more patient and not driven to perfection. I’m much more grateful for my family and friends who stayed in touch even when I couldn’t. I’m much more forgiving of imperfections in people around me. I have much more compassion for others. I appreciate the simple things in life. I’ve learned to stop and smell the flowers because my brain doesn’t want to be filled with all those details it was capable of handling before.
In the last few years, I have had less of the feelings of loss or sadness. Most likely it is because I have improved so much in recent years. I now acknowledge my brain injury anniversary by thinking about how grateful and proud I am as I to look back on my journey of recovery. I see how much I have improved and all the hard work I did to get here. I am happy for all the things I am doing now that I never, ever thought I could do again. I often wonder what my life would be like today if the accident had never occurred. I know it would be very different than what it is today. I also believe that I would not be as happy and content with my life if the brain injury had not occurred.
I know many of you have the date of your event noted as a special day. I understand that many military veterans with brain injuries from our more recent wars, refer to it as “Alive Day”. From some of you, I’ve heard it referred to as your re-birthday, or new birthday. Some of you mourn and wear black. Some of you may celebrate your survival and progress.
Gabriella Giffords, who was shot in the head a few years ago, and who lives with brain injury, went sky diving on the anniversary of her injury to celebrate life. Her Facebook message on that day sounds familiar to so many of us with a brain injury, whatever its cause might be. She wrote: “I’ve overcome a lot. Progress has come from working hard. Today, I grieve, I remember, and I take another step.”
I particularly like something that Lt. Brad Snyder had to say in an NBC news article a few years ago. He said, “Choice – that word means a lot here. Choice puts everything on a level playing field. Each of us faces a plethora of daily choices – when to get up, what to eat for breakfast, what to say to your family before leaving for work. You can choose to be positive. Or you can choose to be a victim. You can choose to move forward with grace. Or you can choose to succumb to negativity.” It is a challenge to find positivity when dealing with a brain injury, but it is possible.
“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing the monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” –C.S. Lewis
Personally, as I have gone through my 13-year journey thus far, I think I have usually chosen to move forward. Early on, with the help of my neuropsychologist, I accepted that my situation was what it was, and could not be undone. I had to make the best of it and just keep taking every small step forward I possibly could. Many times, there were a lot of big steps backwards on this journey but here I am today, and I can say I’m thriving!
I still have issues related to the brain injury, but I’ve learned how to accommodate them, know what my boundaries or limits need to be, and I’ve learned to respect them with self-care, self-compassion and self-love. Now instead of just surviving my day, I am living my day and living life. I keep looking for new challenges to increase my level of improvement. I want colorful, rich experiences. In my journey back from the despairing first years after my injury, I feel I have reached the mainland of living where I can participate fully.
In the last few years, I had some struggles that I thought I could never survive with a brain injury. But I did, and I am amazed at myself. I decided to get divorced, sold my home, packed and moved to a new place, and had several other major challenges involving the health of immediate family. It was not easy, but along the way, I would always acknowledge how grateful I was that I was capable of doing these things although they were not good things I was dealing with.
“We acquire the strengths of that which we have overcome.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson
So, as you begin your new year of 2019 and whenever the anniversary of your brain injury event arrives, remember that we must move onward and do the best we can. It is often difficult. We must practice self-care, self-compassion and self-love. We will have setbacks. But as we all look back to where we came from since our injury, most of us can see that we are better. The journey we’ve made has made us stronger in many ways. I know when I look back and all I’ve been through, I realize how strong I’ve been. I don’t want to forget that. I want to remind myself about how far I’ve come. Recognizing this strength helps me as I face new challenges in life.
“A bridge of silver wings stretches from the dead ashes of an unforgiving nightmare to the jeweled vision of a life started anew.” –Aberjhani, The River of Winged Dreams
In the last year, as my life has settled down from all the changes I chose to make and from the health crises of family, I have expanded my life to include new people and new activities. Not so many years ago, I was still hiding in my cocoon of stillness and solitude that I needed in order to survive with my brain injury. I avoided social interaction and disconnected from many of my friends. Now, many of those people are a bigger part of my life again, and I have made new friends in the last year. I’ve also added new activities to my life such as getting back into traveling. I’ve started archery and I was thrilled I was capable of doing it although I’m not very good. I’m actually enjoying social gatherings. I’m looking forward to more new things in the future.
No matter where you are at with your brain injury – keep going. Live life, enjoy life, try new things and don’t just sit around “killing time”. You can find contentment if you look at different options in living a fulfilling life. You can find joy even if you have limitations and must do things differently. By challenging yourself and trying new things, you are also helping your brain to improve.
On January 15, the date of my anniversary, I will celebrate life. I will enjoy the day and be grateful for where I am today. I will look forward to living my life that once again includes friends and many activities. I will continue my journey to get even better and find new adventures that help me celebrate the new and improved person I am. I wish all of you a Happy New Year and hope that when your anniversary arrives this year, that you can find things to celebrate and be grateful for. Sometimes it is just little things, but remember all those little things you were not able to do after your brain injury took over your life. Those little things add up and start making big differences over time. Life does get better.
Phoenix bird drawn by my daughter – the phoenix symbolizes rebirth – born from the ashes. The blue ribbon is for brain injury of all types (according to the Brain Injury Association of America – green is for traumatic brain injury).