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Seeking the Gift  – (Bliss after a Brain Injury?)

by Linda W. Arms, dated November 4, 2014

For several years after my brain injury I felt a certain sense of peace and contentment.   Did any of you experience a similar thing?   I know brain injuries are all so different and I know it seems odd, but I feel there was a gift that came with the injury.   My brain could not handle much more than getting me through the day while in my home doing less than 5% of the things I used to do in my life.    Even though I was in a fog and knew I was just a small piece of my former self, I enjoyed a sense of bliss.

Prior to the accident I had a career, I had a social life, I had many interests.    My life was full of activity and I could never have enough to do.   I was very driven and always wanted perfection in what I did and the people around me.    It was difficult for me to relax.   I was doing yoga for several years up until the accident and it helped me find some calmness.   I read all sorts of self-help books to learn how to be more mindful and content but nothing worked.   Until I got hit on the head, that is.

I was turned “off” when the trauma occurred.    A door shut on what my life was.   My world shrank to a tiny portion of what it was.   My mind could only deal with things in the moment and only simple things.   I struggled to get through each day and often slept up to 14 hours a day.

I could only focus on a very small piece of what was before me.   Since my brain was no longer cluttered with a million other thoughts, I saw the world very simply.   My mind was often empty with no thoughts.   I learned to connect to the quietness and nurturing of nature.   I could let the beauty of what I was seeing or feeling into my relatively empty brain and really experience it.  I was living in the moment.   I did not worry.   I did not get angry (or display many other emotions).    I was at peace (sort of).

I watched butterflies, stared at flowers, felt the breeze, smelled the soil in my garden.   I enjoyed very simple things.   I saw and experienced many things most people around us are not capable of in our busy world.   I watched the blur of activity of other people racing around in their lives and I thought “they are not really living”.    They do not see our world.   I could not see or feel our world before my accident.   Although, in rare times, I stopped for a split second and saw the glimpse of a beautiful flower,  it was a fleeting, shallow experience.   As a result of the brain injury, I can sit and enjoy the sky, the birds or flowers or just feel myself exist and feel connected to the world around me.

It’s been almost 9 years since my brain injury and I am so much better.   My mind is now very active and I’m getting back to the many interests I had.   My peace and contentment have faded.   The bliss is usually not there.   But now, since the brain injury, I know what that peace and contentment feels like.   If I concentrate I can feel it for moments but it takes work.   I have to look for that gift of bliss.   I have to work on it.   I certainly know I  don’t want to lose it.   So now I’m back reading those self-help books and using other resources to help me keep the gift going.

I know my brain injury was a terrible thing for me and my family but I also found a silver lining that I will hold on to for the future and am grateful for.   Have any of you discovered a gift as a result of your injury?    Or maybe a new talent?

With peace….

 

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