Resources & Inspiration for Life with Brain Injury

Friendships and Relationships After Brain Injury

by Linda W. Arms

After a brain injury our relationships with others change.    Very often in the first years we are too overwhelmed with daily living to give much thought to anyone else.   We devote our brain energy to getting ourselves through the day.    The little energy we have to interact with others is usually reserved for those very close to us, like our immediate families and perhaps very close friends.    As a good friend of mine told me after her brain injury, she put people away in drawers to get back to in the future when things were better for her.    I know I did this myself.   Some people are still in drawers or, without sounding rude, they have been discarded.

After my brain injury, other than my husband taking me to my office to gather my personal things, I didn’t reach out to anyone I had worked with, even those I knew for over 15 years.    I didn’t reach out to most of my extended family, friends or acquaintances.   I declined most invitations to anything.   I felt best, safe and most functional at home in my cocoon of quietness.

I put most everyone I knew away for many reasons.   Most of all I did not have the energy to interact with others.    Everything was overwhelming.    Just doing a little to get myself ready such as showering, drying my hair, and choosing my clothes were often more than I could deal with.    My body was weak and my brain was not working well.   Having to ride in a car was awful.    Trying to understand a conversation was challenging – people talking too fast, too complex, too loud, using facial expressions, gesturing with their hands, walking about as they talk, noise in the background….     It was hard, hard work for a long time.   Our brains have to process everything that is going on during that interaction and many of us just can’t do it until our brains have healed more.     When we try to take part, we quickly fade and lose more of our ability to comprehend and speak.  We become very fatigued and overloaded.    As someone once told me, your brain is then like a glass that you are pouring water into.    Someone keeps pouring in the water until it overflows.    That is what happens when we receive too much mental stimulation or input after a brain injury.   We just can’t hold everything that is coming into our brain to process.

My immediate family received most of the brain energy I had to spare in those early years.   I wanted to participate in their lives.   I wanted to take part in what they wanted to do as best I could even when it was not what I really wanted to do.   It was just too difficult.   My parents saw much less of me during the early years because I just didn’t have enough brain energy to spare.    Slowly I spent more time with them, helping them the best I could given my own limitations.

Next I started taking people out of those drawers that I stashed them in.   I started seeing or talking to people who I had relationships with that didn’t include me as a professional who had many business skills and knowledge.    I couldn’t find those skills and knowledge in the early years, they went into hiding in my brain.   I wasn’t the same person.    I wanted to be with people who knew me outside of my profession.    I started with just a couple people who could relate with what I was going through, had compassion or understood enough about how to interact with me.    There were a few people taken out of the drawers for my family’s sake but often those people were challenging to be around – they were a brain energy drain.

Slowly in the last years, I have taken more people out of those drawers and I can say I enjoy my time with them.    There are some who still are overwhelming for me and cause me to be exhausted for a day after being around them but I really like them.  There are some who I decided I would no longer include in my life because they just weren’t worth the energy I was spending on them.    They didn’t have nice things to say or our lives just took different directions.

I find I am much more selective in who I spend my time with.    I prefer being around people who are nice, have compassion and have values I can support.    After a brain injury, many of us cannot afford to use up our energy for toxic relationships or uncaring people.   We have to reserve our energy for those most important in our lives with ourselves being the first in line.     I’m still working on getting more people out of the drawers who I’ll reach out to when the time is right.    I’m working on expanding my world and the people I interact with.   I expect many of you are doing the same thing also.    We just need to remember that we have to leave enough brain energy for ourselves to stay healthy and functional.

Added 10/5/18:

It’s been a few years since I originally wrote this and I have improved even more.  Friendships and relationships are still different in that I am choosy with who I spend time with since I still have some limitations and issues.   Some people just use up a lot of energy, and some activities or environments use up a lot a energy.   So now I find that for some people I spend time with, I choose our activities carefully so there isn’t a double-whammy on my energy reserves.   I also avoid scheduling my time where I have 2 energy draining events on consecutive days.   I want to enjoy myself but I don’t want total exhaustion at the end of the day that carries into the next day.     I’ve met some great new friends in the last couple years and enjoy their company so I continue to make progress in re-connecting and enjoying my time with other people.

“I don’t know what it is but I don’t find myself vibing with a lot of people these days. I realized that I’ve slowly and subconsciously filtered people out of my life who bring nothing to it. 

I no longer have the energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions or unnecessary conversations. If we don’t vibrate on the same frequency there’s just no reason for us to waste our time…”  —  Joquesse Eugenia

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Updated October 6, 2018

Published January 29, 2014

 

16 Responses to “Friendships and Relationships After Brain Injury

  1. Samantha

    My tbi was caused by a cancerous tumor. I had craniotomy in nov 20 just after covid lockdown. Was made redundant, my husband began drinking more, we then had to move country back to our home country. I was assulted 6months later and my husband blamed me for it and got violent so I had to move with 2 kids to a safe house, I was kicked out the safe house due to my husband finding out where I was. I’m now facing homelessness in a week and my mum has just said I’m a vile horrible person and I don’t open up to her!. I don’t trust anyone. Nobody understands what we’re going through and I feel I’ve not even had time to think about any of it!

  2. Rita

    It’s been 15 years and though I’m very lonely ifind i don’t have time for casual, social interactions anymore.
    But I would love for a family member or close friend to spend time with.
    I have hypopituitusm,
    Most people think I’m cold or the opposite over emotional.
    I still feel like a shadow of my old self.
    I still miss me the old me.
    That person was never lonely, indecisive, insecure, overwhelmed.
    Afraid of commitment.( I mean commitment of little things)
    Like agreeing to play hi lojack I don’t know how I’ll feel energy wise day to day.
    Yet I’m lonely and long to be accepted even if I am fatigued and can only watch tv together?
    I want to go out more but it broadens my world and with tbi i am now physically & mentally afraid to make a commitment.
    I long for acceptance.
    Not to be alone all the time.
    But I have guilt about shrinking someone’s other world.
    I love Children espically children who need me .
    I find it’s the one thing that can make me push threw my barriers.
    Though my grandchildren are teens now. And are pulling back from me.
    I like people but see where I live alot of people have thier own crosses to bear, and will only open up so much.
    I tried to get them to watch a movie, come in for coffee, but they have their own reasons for pulling away.
    Maybe my lonelyness and desperation come through?
    Im also very intuitive so I don’t know if I’m feeling my feelings or thiers.
    All i know is long term tbi is a very lonely journey in life especially for those of us who are alone.
    Rita
    202q

  3. Linda Holden

    Thank you so much for sharing….reading this was uncanny as it could have been written by or about me. Very helpful….so far I am a 16 month survivor and still function best alone in my home. Some days I think I’m all better….until my partner comes home or we have to do something. Really appreciate this….shows me I’m normal for what I am going through and that means everything. Thank you and best wishes to you! Xx

  4. Ray

    It’s me also. Four and a half years, sixth concussion and charging the battery to full never seems to happen. Computers,technology,crowds and loud talking quickly drain the battery to 10% by early afternoon. Unless you have experienced this you will think we are making it up. Even with all the education on head injuries people still don’t get it. 🇨🇦

    • Jay Mohl

      I can relate Ray. 6 1/2 years after my 4th and worst CX
      Keeping my circle small and stressful stimulation to a minimum is part of managing this ongoing roller coaster ride. Fortunate to have a supportive circle, but outside of that, the majority can’t relate to our challenges. Small steps forward and stay focused on the positives. Good luck man. 🇨🇦

  5. This is very good for me to read. Although my brain injury was in 1997, and since then I have returned to practice as a counselor, married a wonderful man (who didn’t know me before the TBI) and written a memoir about my experience, I am still having to be very particular about people and situations I need to avoid. Sometimes I discount myself about not fitting in. This article reminds me this is the new normal and I am among many others in this group. Thank you. Linda

  6. Nancy Elizabeth Sitzlar

    THANK YOU SO MUCH. THIS IS ME!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE BEEN FIGHTING FOR OVER 4 YEARS AND IT IS HARD FOR PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT A DAY IS LIKE FOR ME.

  7. Shaylee

    I am literally in tears right now. I have not really had an outlet to connect with others who have had a brain injury to see that I’m not the only person going through this. It’s as if you took the words right out of my mouth. This gave me a great reminder that it takes time, and that it’s ok to feel all of the things I’m going through, and most important I’m not the only one. Thank you for these words. I will carry them wit me on my journey to recovery!

  8. Me too. I can relate.

  9. Pam McPhee

    Well said. That’s me to a tee. Thank you.

  10. Katie

    Thank you! That is exactly what I feel and what U try to explain to folks!

  11. Wonder johnson

    This is soooooooo true, yet people that haven’t had brain injuries don’t understand us

  12. well said, survivor 🙂

  13. Hi Mina, thanks for sharing this.I can really relate to what you went through, as I’m a survivor too. I’ve always had problems with building friendships. Your tips really are eye-openers.

  14. Kelly fairall

    You nailed it Mina! Thank you for this!

  15. Jayne

    Thank you for sharing your story, Mina. Please see stories of other TBI survivors at http://tbivoices.com/

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